In one way or another everyone is forced to cope with grief. It may be the hardest challenge of our lives. It may shake our foundations and alter our relationships. Hopefully the tips in the this post help make it less rocky.
For some reason in the middle of the night last night it came to me that I should write a post on death. It wasn’t one of those moments where the idea comes with excitement because it would be the best post ever! It was, instead, one of those moments where the thought simmers in my mind as if a higher power is whispering to me because there is someone who needs my help. So, against my own desires I am writing this, as tears run down my face in hopes that some sweet soul will be blessed and helped along their life’s journey.
My Personal Experiences With Death and Grief
My youth was mostly untouched by death. I grew up knowing all of my grandparents. My memory contains no deaths that were close enough for me to understand the emotions that come with loss. The only death that I was close to at all was that of my baby sister. She was stillborn when I was 2, which was much too young to connect with grief.
I got married, got pregnant, and had my first child all without experiencing death. Five days after the birth of my first daughter my husband’s father passed away. And then I understood death like a sharp stinging slap in the face. That was by far the hardest experience I have ever gone through. My father-in-law left 12 children behind, the youngest was 8. It was completely unexpected, and so very sad. And my husband and I had a beautiful new baby. We were lost in the confusion of simultaneous joy and grief.
Nine months later, my husband’s grandfather passed away. He was a compassionate and sharp man to the very end, but his body had just given up on him. Although there was still much grief, the grief was different. His death was expected, and for him it was a great blessing to be able to leave that frail body behind.
Shortly after, we lost a cousin and his wife in a fatal car accident. They left behind 2 small children. Again the grief was different. And thinking of it still brings me great sadness for their children, that are left to grow up without their mother’s kisses and their father’s smiles.
We then lost my husband’s grandmother. Again, grief changes from person to person, and circumstance to circumstance. This time there was joy in knowing that she would be reunited with her husband. But sadness in knowing that she is no longer with us.
Then after watching the painful struggle of my own grandfather’s deteriorating body he gave up the ghost. It is hard to say what was harder, watching him struggle, watching as he made multiple emergency trips to the hospital, watching as his body quit functioning, or dealing with his passing. I still miss him.
What I’ve Learned From Death – How to Cope with Grief
Everyone Deals With Death Differently
Some people may need to talk and hug and talk some more to work out their grief, others may need to busy themselves in forgetting, others may need to get busy with trying to fix the situation, others may just need to cry, and cry, and cry. I’ve seen people become physically ill while trying to accept their new reality. Others bury their emotions. Everyone deserves to be able to work it out their own way (as long as it is a healthy way).
The hardest part about dealing with death can actually be more about dealing with the living. If you are in the middle of coping in your own way it can be very hard to understand why someone else is acting like they don’t care. When in fact their coping methods are just different. It is very important to just allow people to cope how they choose. And to try to help one another through it.
With Each Death, Every Individual Experiences Death Differently
I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like to lose a parent and to cope with grief in that situation. But my husband knows. And although I was very much present his emotions are different from my own. Likewise, his siblings experienced it differently as well. My experience with losing my grandfather was different from loosing my husband’s grandfather. No death experience is the same.
In the midst of death it can be easy to judge others. “You need to get over it.” “You don’t even care.” Are both sides of the spectrum. Maybe for you the death wasn’t as hard as it is for someone else, or visa versa. Don’t judge others by their emotions. You may have experienced the same death but no one experiences it the same way.
Sometimes We Need Help to Cope with Grief
Our modern-day culture is somewhat removed form the concept of death. We are not exposed to it like previous generations have been. I believe this makes it harder for us to understand how to cope with grief, making it easier for us to choose coping methods that are not healing methods.
If months go by and you are still depressed, if you are suicidal, or if you can’t sleep then there is no shame seeking counseling. Death is hard, and talking about it with someone who is trained can help you overcome your prolonged grief.
There is Nothing You Can Say or Do to Make it Better
Grief has to run its course. All of the flowers, the hugs, and the well wishes are always appreciated, but they fix nothing. Only time, tears, and grieving can help the grief fade. Not to discourage hugs and flowers of course.
Some Deaths Will Always Be Painful (At least part of the time)
Most of the time I can think about my grandfather without the tears that accompany grief. He lived a full life, it was his time to go. I got the great honor of knowing him for more than twenty years. But it is much harder to think of my father-in-law without that bitter sting. My children will never know their grandfather. My husband no longer gets the guidance or the praise that a man would typically seek out for from his father. Those things will always be hard, they will always be sad.
Healing Takes Longer Than Most People Realize
Long after the flowers die, the meals are all eaten, and the phone calls stop, the living left behind are still grieving. If you really want to send your concern and love to someone who has lost a loved one, then remember to call them 2 months after their loss, remember to send a card 6 months after. There is a palpable emptiness when the well wishers fade away and the longer people send their love the easier it is for those left still grieving.
Life is Short, and Time is Undervalued
We spend so much effort finding gadgets and gizmos that will save us time, but we tend to have less and less of it. We work more and play less. Which leaves us with a lot less time spent with the people we love doing the things we truly care about. Life is short. Give your mother hug. Take your kids to visit your grandparents. Play with your children. Give your spouse a kiss. You never know when you will be without them, or them without you.
Would you add anything to this list?
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Thank you for this post and I’m sorry for your losses. I, unfortunately, knew the sting of death at a very young age. I was 6 when I lost my maternal grandmother with whom we lived. I was named after her, you can imagine we were close. Hers was the first of many funerals I attended as a child and I was affected profoundly. I also lost my mother when she was only 54. I’m now 41 & have lost so many loved ones over the years. I cherish the memories, miss them dearly and try to reach out to the ones I have left but connecting isn’t always easy. Time and distance make it hard but I try…
I really liked the part about healing taking longer than most people realize. No one ever addresses this and I’m so glad you pointed it out. My mother died in a car accident almost 5 years ago, at the age of 52, when I was 8 months pregnant with her first grandchild. I was 25. To say the least, it was devastating. I have never experienced such crushing, utter and raw grief in my life. My mother and I were best friends and she was planning on being at the birth. Even today there are days that it feels like she died yesterday. It is the single most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with on an emotional level. Anyway, I wish that someone had reached out to me months later, a year later. Even now sometimes I wish someone would say something instead of walking on egg shells around me when it comes to that subject. Thanks for posting this.
Dear Elisabeth,
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. My mother passed suddenly and unexpectedly. I’m grateful she was able to meet my daughter but only briefly. We lived in FL and she in NJ. We were visiting and celebrated my daughter’s second birthday and she passed a week later, in her sleep. I do appreciate the blessing that she didn’t suffer some drawn out, agonizing illness although COPD coupled with pneumonia and she didn’t wake up one morning. It was such a shock. It hurts that’s she isn’t here to watch her grow in person nor meet my son, for them to get to know her warmth, her smile. My daughter turned 9 today so in a week it will be 7 years since she left us and my heart still aches… Be well <3
Jackie
Dear Elisabeth,
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. My mother passed suddenly and unexpectedly also. I’m grateful she was able to meet my daughter but only briefly. We lived in FL and she in NJ. We were visiting and celebrated my daughter’s second birthday and she passed a week later, in her sleep. I do appreciate the blessing that she didn’t suffer some drawn out, agonizing illness although COPD coupled with pneumonia and she didn’t wake up one morning. It was such a shock. It hurts that’s she isn’t here to watch her grow in person nor meet my son, for them to get to know her warmth, her smile. My daughter turned 9 today so in a week it will be 7 years since she left us and my heart still aches… Hugs <3
Jackie
Thankyou. You made me cry but thankyou
i lost my father a month ago, i am 50 years old, had a very complete and a beautiful relationship with him, but i guess its never a good time to say bye to your loved ones,i do find myself crying out of no where, have become very sensitive too, a song could make me cry or clip from a movie ,i bust our in tears whiles driving ,and back of my mind its always alive that he is no more, talking about him breaks me. so i keep reading stuff on the internet ,trying to find some answers…………i still want to know whats happened to him, where is he,i want to talk to him ,maybe hear his voice.we r 4 siblings and we have our mother , i want to take good care of her, yes u r right the grief differs from person to person,this is the first time i have lost someone so close to me and i dont know how to deal with death right now.
I’m so sorry. There is absolutely nothing worse than the feelings you have described. May I email you personally? I may have some more insight to help you get past that.
I read your post and if your insight would help me pick up my heavy heart of
loosing a sibling which I found one of the hardest deaths I have had to concur, this is sad but so true it was harder than loosing my father as a young adult (20yrs). Harder than giving birth as I sit here writing I am so lost for words to describe the pain and am weeping of just thinking of him I still can not pull out his pictures and never talk about it anymore it’s been 1 yr and 7 months and everyday is like it just happened I really have to work on not thinking about him when I should be over it according to my husband and move on so I cry alone like I am now. I miss him so much I was his big sister, his little sister, I was his only sister yes I have other siblings they also are brothers I fear their loss and I love them just as I do the brother that passed. So a lot said if it gets easier which I hear it does please let me know when when I can kinda expect this to come. Also I am one that experienced death at an early age it was no stranger I was brought up one of the more fortunate and had my great grandparents that was very much alive and we spent much time together but death was different they were so very old when they passed I was aoroxamatly 8yrs old when my great grandpa passed and 10 when my great grandma passed, u lost young cousins I lost uncles so I’m no stranger to death I just don’t know why this heavy heart is still so heavy. Thanks for just reading if your interested for giving advice I’ll try anything that will help me understand.
Hello,
I lost my Dad a little over 2 months ago. I still feel blinding shots of grief. It was basically just me and him. I sometimes was so preoccupied with my life, and thought life was just going on with him.He was 93 and in relatively good health. He passed suddenly and it is true, I felt occupied with the service, and all. Now I am really sad, just plain sad. I went to hometown buffet with my husband and was so sad about going. I saw seniors there and just made me cry.
I am not depressed per se but it is very hard to feel happy.
It is comforting to hear others
I appreciate this post, My 96 year old mother died last December. I was not prepared for the tsunami of emotion that I felt at her death. I did not think of it as grief……I see it as love. It is as if her love consumed me and the only grief I felt was all the ways that I was not living a life as fully as she did. I do agree now that I need to work through my grief. My handicapped older sister lived with my mother and I watch over my sister now. It has been very difficult for her. I find my sadness is lessened by pampering my sister. My mom left and I find my nieces and nephews needing to talk about her. Yes you re right. Everyone has to work out our own way of coping with the ‘loss’. Somehow seeing how deep my love is becomes the hardest thing to face. the sheer beauty of life and how deeply we love each other…..consuming.
As hard as it was to read, I got so much out if this. I feel so validated. Last year, my wife and experienced 4 deaths. 2 grandmothers, my father in law, and, hardest of all, our baby. I was 5 months pregnant when I lost her. I never knew there could be pain like that.
It’s all so true. The hardest part was when everyone was able to go on with their lives, but I was stuck. I felt left behind with all of this pain. But, time has a way of healing somehow. And everyday gets a little bit easier 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have never experienced the death of someone close to me but unfortunately I am going through it now. My Grandmom has terminal cancer. I know she is suffering. It won’t be long before she is gone. It’s weird, because she’s still here and I just can’t shake this overwhelming grief. I can’t even imagine how I’ll feel when she passes. I love her so much… We have been so close my whole life. She’s always been there for me and now it’s my time to be there for her but it just hurts so bad. I can’t even talk to anyone about it. This brought me some comfort to hear it can get better and my life will go on, so thank you.
I lost my mom 7 months ago. It has truly been the most painful and difficult experience of my life in so many ways. I have so many regrets. Your professional life gives you a week to deal with your loss. Then you have to put on a strong face and go on as if nothing has happened. The sun continues to come up every morning…the world goes on. How can this be when the person that carried you nine months and cared for you most of your life has died? My brother and sister are the ones that keep busy so the very day she died they were saying “we need to sell her house.” Within a month of her passing my sister and I had to have an estate sale to begin the process of emptying the house so it could be sold. I only wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere to try and grasp what had happened. There’s no time for that. I have to advertise and help with multiple estate sales, organize, price, and watch as almost all of her belongings, that she cherished dearly and that were a part of her, be sold to strangers. As soon as the house was almost empty I had to help clean it so it can put up for sale. Now, I get to show it to strangers and none of them love it as much as she did. I continue to work everyday and push away the pain. Act as if nothing has happened, as if everything is the same. It’s not and it never will be but no one seems to care. I hear the words “death is a part of life; you must deal with it and go on.”
Thank you for writing this, I am trying to find help with my grief. I just lost my mother last week… Is was unexpected and she was only 49. I am trying to cope and felt as if I was doing it wrong, but nothing in my life feels right without her. Thank you so much for your post. It has helped at least a little bit with understanding.
My thoughts are with you. I don’t knw your personal beliefs but I totally believe that those who leave this life are not gone, but still with us. We may not be able to speak to them face to face anymore, but they help us daily, and especially in times of hardship and grief. I bet by focusing on the little gifts in this life you will still be able to see her loving hands working in your life. I wish you joy and peace in your future!
Thank you for this. My great grandmother passed away yesterday. She lived to be 90 years old just like her own mother. Even though it was expected it is still hard. Especially since her pain had just started. Thank you for this it is a nice reminder that some people will just cry and cry. I would rather just blog the time away or go running. So thank you again for helping me understand myself and my family around me.
I’m sorry for your loss. I wish the best to you and yours.
I lost my precious brother a year ago. We were only 18 months apart in age. We went through a lot of abuse and even though he was 5 and I was 6 yrs old he stood up for me to a 300 pound step father that knocked him down. We often waited until my mother and step father went to sleep and planned our escape. Thankfully, our Grandmother got custody of us and my younger brother that was 1 year old at the time and she was 73 years old. She was our everything and lived to be 96 yrs old. It was very hard for me when she went to heaven but she had taught us of God’s love that was always with us even when she would be gone.
I have cried so many tears for my brother even though he struggled with breathing and advanced COPD so I was glad that was over for him. If there is anything you can share to help me I would be so grateful as this pain is hard. He died when he was 59 and I was 60. I had prayed and asked God to give him mercy with the breathing and take him home if that was best. Thank you for writing this…it helped me. ︵‿ †♥
losing your partner, your husband, your lover , your best friend , the father of your children is the hardest thing you will ever go through! My husband passed 9/05/2013 of Colon cancer. In Dec. we would have been married 49 yrs . Our children were planning our 50th anniversary, which I knew would not happen. I knew him 54 yrs. a life time. I lived with him longer than with my parents. I lost my father in 1992 and my mother in 1994. But nothing prepares you for the pain or the loneliness when you lose you life partner.
This is when you realize what loneliness is really all about. During the day you can find things to do, you can go to the store, run errands, book clubs etc. but at the end of the day you come home and close the door and the four empty walls are there. You eat alone, you are alone. That is the hardest part. Learning to live your life on your own without your life partner, that you could talk to, share things, talk things over and listen to their perspective, their advise.
Moving forward on your own is difficult , and sometimes scary. You look around and realize all the things you would love to share with him.
He missed our granddaughters sweet sixteen and you realize he will miss all the milestones in our grandchildren a lives.
I miss him every minute of the day. Moving on is not a choice, I have to get up in the morning, do the necessary and go to bed at night. Time moves on whether I want it to or not. It’s now over 2 yrs. since he’s gone and life goes on, it has to. I hope he can look down and see all the wonderful things he is responsible for. Our sons, our grandchildren, our life together. He left me well taken care of, I will forever be grateful that this wonderful man came into my life. He opened the world to me, we traveled, he showed me the world that I may never have seen. I thank him constantly for coming into my life and making it so much better!
I lost 2 sisters in 2010 four months apart, then in 2011 I lost a younger brother. My family went from this big family that shared happy holidays down to me and my older brother. One of my sisters that passed was the matriarch of the family, the glue that brought us all together. I thought that that grief was the worst. But last January 2015, I lost one of the most precious things in the world to me, my 35 year old son. That’s a pain I will never get over. It’s like someone reached into your chest and ripped your beating heart out and left a big hole.
Although I can appreciate your experience in dealing with death, it falls very short and lacks even a hint of what it is like to deal with the death of ones child. The only reference made was one short sentence about you losing a sibling when you were TWO! It might have been wise to ask your own parents what that death was like. I assure you, they would tell you that losing their parent’s, grandparent’s, even a sibling pales in comparison. There are no words in the English language that can make someone able to comprehend the level of blackness that you are cast into. Please, if you feel the need to broach this subject again, gain some insight into what it is like to watch your only son being lowered into the cold hard ground. Ask what it is like to pack up his favorite clothes, clutch them to your chest and pray that you will never forget the smell of his cologne, imagine calling his phone 50 times a day just so you can hear his voice. That might be a helpful post about death.
Yes. RANDEE MILLER, I have to agree with you. I lost my beautiful angel, Sebastian almost 3 years ago now & it has & continues to be my absolute worst nightmare. There just are no words, period. This is completely, undescribable. I have tried to join my son twice now. I simply just don’t know what I am supposed to do now. How do I continue to live without him? Why do I continue to live without him? This is not life anymore. I have become a shell of a human. I just wish I knew why.
In my personal opinion, you truly have not experienced “death”, until you experience the death of your own child.
Peace & love to you RANDEE MILLER. I wish Peace & Love to all of us Mother’s who had to give our babies back for whatever the reason may be. Try to live gently, until we are able to hold them in our arms once again.
Take Care, Jen Lawson
I really enjoyed this
I just read this article today. Thank you for writing it. It is soooo very true. I just lost a good friend in April and I am just beginning to feel as if I will be whole again–at least a new wholeness. This article was very simple and straight-forward. I appreciate it. Thanks again.
I enjoyed the post, but I also have dealt with grief, dealt with it to the point of pushing everyone that mattered away! And believe me that is not the healthy way to go about it. Because you need anything else besides the time to even think about your loss! I first lost my dad/grandpa unexpectedly and he was my hero! Not only a US Navy Veteran but also a God Fearing/Loving man who was also the head Deacon at our Church. Oh also the only Barber in our town along side his baby brother. I was/Am still the first grand baby so I was spoiled more than any other child should be. Because my mom was also the first born. Also I was a one time at a party my mom had thrown with a first time guy she had just met who later denied me not just once but again and again until DNA testing was legit and stood up in a court of law. Needless to say my mom was my first and last best friend, because yes I also lost her 3 years after my dad/grandpa. For 16 years it was me and her every day and every night! It’s been 11 long hard lonesome years. I’m not sure how I would have ended up if I hadn’t met my husband and new best friend! All I know is that it never gets easier to deal with it just gets better knowing that you are aging faster than the average American because I am Native American and to know what awaits me on the other side is the best feeling in the world! My dad/grandpa was only 65 but went peacefully in his sleep. And my mom was only 45 but she also went peacefully cause she was on life support and comfortable. loving father and she was
Thanks so much